Jack: When you’re describing your podcast to someone for the first time, what do you tell them it’s about?

Jericha: Oh, I’ve always loved an unexpected prick, Joan. Joan: And I know you like that element of surprise, don’t you? A surprise prick coming your way is always something you’ve enjoyed.

I do my own jabs when I go on holiday, though of course I love Mahmoud jabbing me repeatedly, that goes without saying. Jericha: Yes, any size really will do me. Joan: It’s been a fetish for you really, hasn’t it? But I like needles personally, always been a big fan. Jericha: Same principle as the polio sugar cube. Joan: Yes, so with me, Mahmoud just squeezed a creme into my mouth in the end, a sort of vaccine crème. Jericha: She’s got quite a phobia, haven’t you, Joan? Joan: I’m very scared of needles unfortunately…I don’t mind things coming at me that are big and pointy, but small, thin and pointy? No, thank you! It’s basically made of pig’s blood, isn’t it Joan - just shoot that straight into the artery and you’re good to go. It’s top secret, but they’ve got it all sorted. Joan: Mahmoud has close allies in both China and Russia. Jericha : And we had our own private vaccines from Mahmoud, so we could party as much as we liked. Jericha: And you were holed up with Leo DiCaprio on his boat for the latter half of the Christmas period, Joan, weren’t you? Joan: Yes, and a lot of these spiders will carry eggs inside them and start breeding in your tum, and then travel through your intestines and clear things out which is a boon for these tubby, constipated lady-children who are otherwise en route to life as a greedy spinster. Jericha: And they’re very fibrous, so they work around the guts. Joan: Yum! And I always hang spare ones off the tree so that the kiddies don’t balloon with the chocs. Jericha: And inside that a rabbit, and a small domestic cat, and inside the little pussy is Joan’s secret treat: spiced spiders. Joan: Oh, it’s so moreish! It’s the deer stuffed with the little pig, and the lamb. So I put on a buffet and there they all were clamouring around my bush area, eager to tuck into my sticky Pigladeer. My daughter Cardinal is one of these very sociable lesbians and, rather like Lawrence Fox, doesn’t abide by these nonsense-y lockdown rules, so we had hordes of hungry gay gals over on Christmas day and I said yes, alright, they could eat, but outside only please in my garden. Jericha: Well, very busy in my household thank you, Jack.

Joan he